Everyone’s Sick at Hogwarts
by xnanniax
Summary: MARY SUE WARNNING! Desperate times means desperate measures and when most of the school is out sick, difficult decisions need to be made.
1. Chapter 1

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

Whether it was Doby's feeble attempts at cooking, or some side effect from one of Fred and George's countless experiments, half the school was out on sick leave. Both teachers and students were feeling some mighty powerful illness, that had completely cocked them off their feet and head. Large green spots appeared under the victim's eyes and food would leak from both ends.

Madam P. had been doing her best to stifle the outbreak, until she herself succumbed to it. Snape then took up the job to finding an antidote, but was…ah…distracted…and didn't take the proper precautions, and began to get sick as well. Now Hogwarts had some of it's best staff on sick leave in the hospital wing and had last minute replacements teaching the classes.

It wouldn't have been so bad if the "teachers", if you could call them that, had known what they were doing, but most didn't. Most didn't even know how to spell the name of the class that they taught.

The Astronomy teacher for instance thought that class's schedule could be based mainly on him reading from the Daily Prophet. The D.A. teacher just threw over ripe tomatoes at the students, screaming: "If you can doge a tomato you can doge a spell", he was quickly replaced by a teacher who did the same thing, but with books. Large heavy books. With nails stickling out from them.

Things really came to a head after two weeks with the supplies, when one day in Care of Magical Creatures, the teacher did some thing EVERY stupid.

The man's name was Thomas Dillwamen, and he seemed to have the IQ of a stale banana. How he, or any of his new co works got their jobs no one Knew, but he had it and he was an idiot. On the first day of classes he actually thought that one of the students was the creature that the class was studying. Professor McGonagall had just made it in time to stop Dillwamen from dumping poor Neville in a vat of hot unmentionable liquid. Of course the class, well most of the class, the Slytherins were mainly just laughing their heads off, but the Gryffindors had all tired to stop their new teacher, but its had to stop a man who randomly hits people on their noses. It's a very annoying thing to do.

Kira, Meg and James had reluctantly started down to Hags hut that Monday afternoon fearful of what would happen this time. Kira had suggested that they all sip or hold a protest, but both James and Meg suggested that they go, if only to stop him from hurting any student or creature.

The class had started off as normally as possible; Prof. Dillwamen had taken them all down to the lake to have a discussion of things that "grew" in the water.

"Hey isn't that McGonagall?" Meg remarked to the others who were also standing in the back of the class. "Over there, by the trees."

"We're by a forest Meg. There's a lot of trees." Harry sneered over.

"Were we taking to you?" Neville said moving closer to Meg.

With arms crossed James said, "You're probably right. Seamus say that McGonagall has been spending all of her time off watching the new-"

"NO TALKING!" Screaming and hitting James, Meg and harry on the nose, Dillwamen went back to teaching.

"And we came because…" came kira's voice from the ground.

Then horrible screeching cut their conversation short.

Rushing towards the man and the water, meg yelled back, "that's why."

Dillwamen had decided that the best way to talk about the giant octopus in the lake, was to ether capture or buy a smaller, baby one and bash its head into a rock. It's very doubtful that this method works or should not be tried.

Body chucking the professor into the lake, meg went over to help the poor defenceless octopus who was now whimpering. "What the fuck are you doing!"

"Teaching!"

"What how to be a prick?" Kira asked.

Joining the others James added, "Or how to endanger a species?"

"I'm the Professor here, so you lot better, better-"

"better what?"

"get you fired?"

"'cause that would be much too easy."

"Girls that's enough," The old voice of McGonagall blared forth from behind a near-by bush, before her tall shinny form came out to greet the class. "Mr. Dillwamen here has fail his probation, and will kindly go to the Headmaster's office before leaving Hogwarts."

"But-"

"Get the hell out of the water and get the hell out of my school BEEAAACHHH."

"That enough Mr. Wheasely."

In silence the class watched as their new teacher slowly stumbled out of the water and head towards the school. Many started to head towards their next class, or just their dorms, but a few stayed behind.

"So who's next?" Kira said watching Meg put the baby octopus into a tinted glass fish bowl that James had just conjured. "A bar tender, a four year old, Filch?"

"Hey can you get that guy from Diagon Ally who sells those great chocolate cake thingys. That would be so great."

"Dumbledore chooses his teachers very carefully-"

"I don't think so," James interrupted. "The guy who's teaching Charms is the same guy who drives the Night bus."

"Well-"

"And the lady who teaches Runs, I swear I saw her on the streets when we were visiting London."

"You mean walking by?" McGonagall corrected James.

"No. I mean as a homeless lady."

"well…"

"Professor, students could teach this class better than the people you've been hiring. Meg should teach this class, she knows this stuff better than anyone inside or outside this school."

"Awwn thank you kira!" Meg said rushing over to kira to give her a great big hug of death.

"Well, its true."

"you should meg, you'd be great at it." James said joining the love.

"fine, then you better come with me." Saying this, McGonagall turned from the group and started walking way.

"what?" meg sputtered.

"You think you can be a teacher, fine let's see if you can."


	2. Chapter 2

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

After several long minutes up in Dumbledore's office, meg came down with a smile on her face and a bounce in her steps.

"Well?" both girls eagerly asked.

"I got the job."

"Your kidding." Kira said.

"Nope, I start tomorrow."

"We must celebrate." Putting her arm around meg, james smiled and started to rub the other girls head. "Good kid."

"You mean professor!"

"Meg?"

This is when meg started to madly wave her arms about, crying how she would be the best teacher this school had ever seen.

"Does Snape know yet?"

"oh gosh no! I'm gonna go tell him." After going both girls supa big hugs, she started to skip away. "I'll see you two nice and early for my class tomorrow…do you think that Sevy will be happy?"

"Sure, its one step closer to being legal." Kira smirked as meg joyfully skipped away.

"This is going to be interesting."


	3. Chapter 3

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

Student couldn't decide whether the new Care of Magical Creature would be better, as in saner, or just the same. Meg, you see had the same taste in animals that Hags did; kinda creepy and kinda strange. To meg, anything could be considered cute and innocent, and often was.

Kira and James had planed to make it down to the lake before anyone else, to encourage meg and all. When they did make it down, however, they found that others seemed to have had the same idea.

"It begins" said Snape from behind. His voice was shaking, and he showed physical symptoms of the first signs of becoming sick, but he wore a smile on his face.

"hey shouldn't you be in bed?"

"away from people?"

"You won't get sick, don't worry. I did a-"

"SEVERUS! What are you doing here? You're going to get sick."

"Meg-"

"I'm taking you back to your bedroom this instance."

"Meg-"

"Why did you come out here? You're just going to get sick and then die!"

"Are you going to let me speak?"

"Yes…"

"I came down here so see your first class. McGonagall said you needed supervision, so I volunteered."

"But-"

"I'm fine," he said as she pushed the strands of hair out of his eyes and started to check his for head for any signs of a fever. He didn't like when she fused over him, especially in public. "Your class is waiting, go and teach."

Not moving, meg asked if he was sure. He said yes. Before turning away, she tried to conjure him a chair, then she asked kira to do it, realising that her chair of jellow might not be the best.

After asking for good luck, meg rushed off, only to return a few moments later.

"I just remembered," she said. "I hate presentations."

"you'll do fine." James smiled pushing meg forwards.

"go teach!" kira cheered.

"right…"


	4. Chapter 4

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

The class started off a bit shaky. Meg mumbled and stumbled a bit in the beginning, but kira, James, Snape or anyone else, soon put to rest any sneers or smirks from a student, with violent threats or looks.

Things finally picked up, you could say, when meg started with the live demo.

Deciding to do a correction of last classes lesson, meg had dedicated today's lesson on the giant octo-squidy thing-y living in the lake. The baby octopus had healed nicely thanks to meg, and was swimming about the fish bowl cooing slightly as meg began her lesson.

"Um…to begin with, this, this is the…the ooops its ok I got it. Okay so this…octopus right, it's a baby and doesn't really have any connection to to the squid thing in the lake…but it is very very cute. I named him Lonna Lena Moo Moo. Isn't he so cute."

This is when things got messy. Whether it was nervousness from being in front of so many large creatures or the massive brain damage that he had with stained yesterday, Lonna wasn't happy. As meg hugged him and squeezed him, basically showing him as much love as possible without getting creepy, Lonna got very tense and then started shaking. Before meg could ask him what was wrong, Lonna erupted with an eruption of INK

"Told you it would be interesting." James said laughing as meg got covered from head to toe in black octopus ink.

"Now who said something like this would happen?" Kira said while rubbing her eyes.

"It will be fine so long as-"

"Crap! My shirt!"

"It beings…" James chuckled in a deep manly voice.

The ink had spayed all over Meg, but mainly on her white blouse, leaving her dripping wet. Wiping off her face, and placing the animal on the ground in front of her, meg began rubbing and whipping at the massive stain.

Even though half the school was out sick, there were still a lot of boys in the class, and to see their new professor rubbing her chest, well, it made learning fun.

"Neville," meg whined pulling and rubbing at her shirt. "Do you think this will come out?"

"No.' he said a bit too quickly. "You'd, you'd better go and ah wash yourself up."

"Yes," added Seamus. 'Right… this… second."

"Ummm, but the class." Meg said nervously.

Then half the class repeated Seamus's last words.

'Well okay."

Still at the back of the class, Kira and James looked at each other in disbelief.

"For a natural brunette," James begun. "She acts very blond some times."

"Oh meg." Kira said as meg tripped over the octopus and came very close to falling into the lake. "Hey, where's Snape?"

The large red chair that James had conjured just minutes before now lay empty, and before James could speak, a large splash and screech echoed throughout the area.

As meg was leaning over the water, someone, cough Snape pushed her in and now she was dripping wet, with a baby octopus on her face.

The octopus, you see, had never truly been in fresh water before that is water not in a bowl, and just like before, it was freaking out. Lonna Lena Moo Moo really did need a shrink.

"Ah fuck, the waters cold." She said shivering in the cold wet water trying to pull the octopus off of her body.

"Look on the Brightside," kira yelled. 'At least it's deluded the ink a bit."

"And made me fucking cold…gaaa get off me Lonna! Ahhh!" again she fell into the water.

"I really don't see how this is educational," Hermione sneered, with arms crossed.

"It teaches one thing." Ron said intently watching the action in the water.

"RON!" both Hermione and James yelled at once, hitting him on the back of the head.

Kira just stood back laughing at the happenings, smoking deep purple ash from a dark green pipe.

Back at, or rather in the lack, Meg had just successfully ripped Lonna from her shirt, which incidentally also meant that she had ripped several buttons from her now socking wet, semi-see through blouse. She had also caught the "ear" of today's class study, which wasn't such a good thing, at least for her. Out from the dark waters came a large tentacle, purple in colour with large disk-like suction cups, which immediately grab hold of the poor girl.

Without time to even make a sound, she was dragged under.

"Shouldn't we do something?" James asked very concerned.

"just wait a moment."

"Dumbledore?"

"shhh, Squidy will bring her up very soon."

"Sir, what are you doing down here?"

"Watching the show, now shhhh! You'll make me miss the best part."

Flashing the class from both ends, Meg burst out of the water gasping for breath; the squids tentacles raped tightly around her, with Lona clinging tightly to the outside of her bra.

"Help," Meg whined. "I'm being molested by a baby octopus and a giant squid!"

"I really think we should do something."

"Oh hush James," kira said. "I'm sure meg is having a wonderful time. She loves swimming and all."

"There's swimming and then there's being throttled by a giant squid."

"Same thing."

"not really."

"Ahhhh! They're touching me in places where I don't want to be touched; at least not in publiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!"

Hmmm, when she gets down, tell her that she got the job."

"But headmaster," Hermione whined. "I hardly see how that was an educational lesson. More like soft core porn."

"Come now Hermione, the lads loved it, and those are the ones who have been failing this class lately."

"And besides," continued James as meg once again was pulled under. "I'm sure this class was just nerves. She'll do better next time."

"That she will," chuckled the old man, as he turned to leave.

"You're just going to leave her like that?" kira asked showing mucho concern…for the first time.

"I have things I must attend to. Headmastery things. I must be master of the head that is this school."

"Riiiiiight."

"So how is she going to get down?"

"I'm sure someone will eventually get her or the squid will tire of her."

"that's get sir."

"You suck as a headmaster."

As he was walking away, he turned around and yelled: "Oh that reminds me. Since meg did a great job, you two," he said pointing at kira and james. "Get to work as well. Congratulations you're professors."


	5. Chapter 5

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

"Thanks for getting me down guys, meg said at the dinner table that evening. "I thought I was going to have to live up there."

"No problem," Kira smiled.

"yeah, it just took awhile to get the right spell." James said in between bites of her food.

"What were all those guys by the water yelling?"

"chants more likely."

"from where I was, it sounded like something about mud wrestling." Meg said as she played with her food. Ever since she had gotten onto dry land, she had been pouting. "and I smell like fish!"

"A squid is not an a fish meg is a-"

"I was talking about all those dead fish that you dumped on me."

"we had to get that squid off you some how." Kira said innocently. "And a thousand pounds of dead fish just so happened to work."

"gaaaa." Meg said smashing her head into her plate of salad, she hadn't touched tonight's specialty, salmon. "I blew it didn't I. my first lesson as a teacher, and I blew it!"

"No, you did good." James comforted meg using bad grammar.

"Everyone was Every much engaged." Chuckled Malfoy before kira tripped the douche.

"Speaking of something being blown," Kira begun. "What's all this about James and I teaching."

"Meg tell me you didn't!"

"Didn't do what," she said lifting her face from the salad. "I just talked to Dumbledore and told him that his supplies sucked and he would be lucky to get you two to teach. Damn that was allot of T's"

"What are we going to teach?"

"He wouldn't tell me." Meg peeled off the piece of lettuce stuck to her forehead. "He just said that if did well, he'd examine both of your records and then decide."

"I hope I don't get stuck with something crappy."

"as long as I don't get charms I'm happy."


	6. Chapter 6

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

It wasn't that Remus was sick, or anything like that. It had been decided as the outbreak of sickness was just beginning to show its ugly head, that it probably would be best if Hogwarts resident werewolf got an early vacation.

At first he had planed to stay close to the school at the Shirking Shake, but then he heard about this great concert in Glassberry that was very awesome, so he just had to go. I mean David Bowie only comes around once.

James had been very pissed when he had leaved and not taken her, but…well she was still very pissed.

The class eagerly entered the D.A. class that morning, wondering who would be their new teacher. Some had heard rumours that a student would be teaching, but other had heard at the Tomato man would be back. As the class sat down, they only had to wait a moment, before they new teacher burst through the doors.

Where meg had merely worn her school uniform, Kira had dressed up in a long robe of silver and blue. Walking down the steps from her office, in one hand she held a large leather bond book, and in the other, she held a long cigar that pink and red smoke billowed from.

"The Dark Arts is a force that must be respected and understood before it can be mastered. It will take strong will and determination to pass my class, as I will be going places where your other teachers have never gone before."

"Yaay Professor Kira!" Meg said waving two multi-coloured flags with "GO KIRA" printed brightly on both.

"Ah Meg, what are you doing here." Kira said as she leaned on a banister and took a deep drag. "Don't you have a class?"

"Oh silly pants. As a teacher I can cancel all classes I wish. MWAHAHAHAH! James would have come, but she's still pouting."

"yeah she always wanted D.A. oh well. Back to my award winning lesson."

And thus she did begin her award winning lesson, a lesson that would live on in the hearts and minds of all the ten non-sick students who attended that class.

To start with, she told the class that the main thing that they must lean was how to handle stress and pressure and how to work through it. Kira can up with a very clever way to test or work on her newly acquired students.

What she did was give the students a generic muggle IQ test and make them take it. This seems easy and hardly Dark Arts, but Kira gave it a special twist.

In front of every student sat a furious man eating tiger. The tigers were neither tied down nor made to stay in once place by any means other than Kira's convincing words. The tigers would growl and the tigers would bite—but not maim—and all the students were allowed to do was take the test.

Kira wasn't trying to be vindictive or anything like that. It was actually a good way to test a person's strength of will, it was just a bit unconventional, that's all.

When ever a student even looked at kira or the giant cat in a away that had any hankering of ungoodness, Kira would ever so calmly pick up one of the large books that her predecessor had used on the poor students and the rude one would smile and get back to their test.

It was a good first lesson by any means. No one died, got maimed or went into a lake, this meant that the poll that the faculty had had going now had no clear winner, accept meg, who had said that probably nothing would happen.

What an up set. Maybe the next new teacher would find to be more interesting.


	7. Chapter 7

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

There was still more controversy where wizard kind believed in God or Gods. Many say yes, while others state no. Whether the answer be yes or no, it was a proven fact, that some one, or some thing had it out for James.

The moment she had been given the envelope concerning her new job, James had metaphorically died a little inside.

As she burst through the doors of Charms, a dark brooding cloud had followed her. She had practically thrown her books down onto her desk and it had several minutes of complete silence before she had gone into action.

The silence, like always, had been broken by Hermione, who had in her shrill domineering voice had asked James whether or not they would be starting today.

James at eagerly responded by lighting Hermione's hair on fire. It seems that James was still up set about not getting the D.A. job.

She almost cried with relief when McGonagall burst through the doors halfway through the class. The class had been "learning" how to lift and stretch things. Hermione granger had so nicely volunteered, after James had showed the class a neat Ventriloquist charm.

McGonagall had entered the class in a huff about how Snape had over exerted himself, and how they needed a replacement.

"I thought he had cured himself." James asked as she slowly rose from the desk.

'My dear," McGonagall said leaning on the half opened door. "There is quite a difference from doing a spell to protect others from your sickness, and from finding a cure. Professor Snape was ale to only accomplish one of those two things. Well?"

"well what?"

"well do you want the position or not?"

"What about Charms?" she said already gathering her stuff from the desk.

"Any half nut can teach Charms. Potions is a different mater."

"Is that all the positions that are open?"

"It's either that or Divinations."

"Potions you say…"

"Thought so. Come along we haven't all day. There are classes to teach, students to learn."

"But Professor who will teach Charms." Harry whined. (Unfortunately he had not yet succumbed to the viscous wide spreading disease. Not yet anyway).

"Potter must you make things difficult." McGonagall said looking about the room. "You there, Miss ganger. You look particularly up for the challenge. Charms is now yours."

"THANK YOU PROFESSOR! YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED." The still stretching girl yelled.

"Don't worry girl, I'm sure I will be. Come along James, we have work to do."

As the two professors left the overly bright classroom—another reason why James had despised that position—the new teacher could be heard instructing the class on how to stretch a person properly and the history of the practice of levitation. Already there were a few groans from a few of the students. Mainly her two best friends.

After giving McGonagall her suitcase, Jams went though her pockets for a special piece of paper. She had written it after her fist potions lesson and she knew it was the perfect piece to being her new carer as a potions teacher. The speech was a long one, but it would hold the class's attention, it had before. It had something to do with "potions to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses." Quite nice poetry from a middle-aged ex-potions teacher.


	8. Chapter 8

**Everyone's Sick at Hogwarts**

**Part of the Story "at Hogwarts" series **

**-in which characters, problems and motives are introduced and dealt with...or Not **

**(somewhat connected to Crimson--done by kira who is almost done writing it) **

**DISCLAIMER Man here to save the day!**

**the spankn' world of Harry Potter is in no way own by me or a strange looking goat...or is it?...no**

* * *

The illness that a held Hogwarts in its tight grip for so long, now had started to disperses in to mere memories. Students, as well as teacher had now begun to re-attend classes and the non official quarantine was lifted from the school.

The antidote had been found by James the potions master as she had been working in her lab, late one night. Up on realising that the cause of the illness had been from the stupidity and ugliness radiating off of Harry Potter, James quickly came to the cure.

To kill Potter.

Now he couldn't be done in, in a simple non violent/painful way. No he had to be killed in the most painful and ugly way imaginable. A way so horrible that I dare not write it down upon this page.

All I can say is that many of the students at Hogwarts will never be able to look at a salad fork the same way ever again. That goes to pennies, snails and funnel cakes as well.

Things began to go back to the norm after the wondrous death of Potter. Those few students, who had helped Hogwarts in her time of need, were rewarded with a free pass on that year's lessons.

Pride and confidence were gains by a few, while new loyal friends who were interested in following a knowledgeable leader were gained by others. Others still gained something more: a strong hatred of authority and yellow wallpaper.

All was good at Hogwarts as the yellow sun set upon the hill and the last bird cried out its song. All was healthy and refreshed.

THE END.


End file.
